Bruce Almighty price at: amazon
All wavs on this page were sampled at (8 bit mono 11Khz) and all mp3s on this page were sampled at (80kbs 44Khz).
ratpellet.wav(284K) ratpellet.mp3(284K) ratpellet.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey): "So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
Mama Kowolski (Lillian Adams): "Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back."
seenosmiles.wav(182K) seenosmiles.mp3(182K) seenosmiles.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "So tell me Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
Mama Kowolski: "So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?"
Bruce: "That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces."
Vol Kowolski (Christopher Darga): "I work in back. I see no smiles."
cookiecrumbles.wav(69K) cookiecrumbles.mp3(69K) cookiecrumbles.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "And thet's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News."
waltercronkite.wav(232K) waltercronkite.mp3(232K) waltercronkite.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "You know, I think there might be something to this cookie line. All the greatest anchors have had their own signature sing-off, like Walter Cronkite. And that's the way it was. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh."
beautiful.wav(36K) beautiful.mp3(36K) beautiful.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
backinside.wav(28K) backinside.mp3(28K) backinside.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Come on. Let's go back inside and have a bleep."
blooddrive.wav(452K) blooddrive.mp3(452K) blooddrive.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "What is the deal-io?"
Grace Connelly (Jennifer Aniston): "We are having a blood drive."
Bruce: "Creapy. Needles. Yuck."
Grace: "Well, they need my blood. I have a very rare blood type. I am AB-Positive."
Bruce: "I'm IB-Positive. I be positive they ain't touchin' me with no needle. I mean, it's just so..."
Grace: "Helpfull and lifesaving?"
Bruce: "No, it's your blood. It's blood. Blood's supposed to stay inside the body. That's where it's meant to be. Besides, they stockpile this stuff in a warehouse somewhere. It's all frozen on ice, an they tell everybody there's a shortage."
Grace: "That's not true. Where did you hear that?"
Bruce: "From a very reliable friend of a friend of a girl whose sister's going out with someone very high up in the government. But for your own protection, I cannot discuss it at this time. Now, get up before they see us together."
whatisthese.wav(136K) whatisthese.mp3(136K) whatisthese.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "You need these more than I do."
Bruce: "What is these?"
Grace: "Prayer beads. The kids made 'em for me. They will keep you safe."
Bruce: "I hope they're powerful. I'm gonna need a friggin' miracle to get to work on time."
donteatthat.wav(76K) donteatthat.mp3(76K) donteatthat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Martin, don't... don't eat that. Don't eat that. Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey. Ooh."
takehermeds.wav(126K) takehermeds.mp3(126K) takehermeds.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Debbie (Lisa Ann Walter): "Small Wonders Day Care."
Debbie: "No, It's Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting."
Grace: "Oh, all right. Okay, okay, okay."
Bruce: "Bye, Debbie."
Grace: "Oops. Hi. Hi, sorry. Debbie forgot to take her meds today."
goodluck.wav(30K) goodluck.mp3(30K) goodluck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Okay, Honey. Good luck. I love you."
Bruce: "Love, love, love, love, love, love."
inmyface.wav(91K) inmyface.mp3(91K) inmyface.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Ally Loman (Nora Dunn): "Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage."
Bruce: "Wow. Rub that in my face, why don't ya?"
Ally Loman: "Ninety seconds!"
Bruce: "Nonety seconds? Holly hell. Uh, yeah. Okay. Ninety seconds? Whoo."
backstabber.wav(138K) backstabber.mp3(138K) backstabber.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber... Pardon me. Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me."
titanic.wav(344K) titanic.mp3(344K) titanic.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me. Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe, floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big, fat ass off? Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal."
theowner.wav(446K) theowner.mp3(446K) theowner.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Ste's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk."
Grace: "Come on. What are you doing?"
Bruce: "Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?"
Bill Ferry Owner (Dan Desmond): "Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want..."
Bruce: "Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? Eroding! Eroding! Eroding!"
Jack Baylor (Philip Baker Hall): "Cut the feed."
Control Room Operator: "Go to black."
Control Room Operator: "I'm on it."
Bruce: "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, bleepers!"
backtoyou.wav(46K) backtoyou.mp3(46K) backtoyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, bleepers!"
motivation.wav(192K) motivation.mp3(192K) motivation.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "That is perfect. That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you. Thank you, W.K.B.W.! Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners! That's what that stands for!"
beautiful2.wav(71K) beautiful2.mp3(71K) beautiful2.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "B E A utiful."
birdinthe.wav(60K) birdinthe.mp3(60K) birdinthe.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird. I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush."
pickingonyou.wav(99K) pickingonyou.mp3(99K) pickingonyou.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Oh, I see. So, so, God is picking on you, is that what you're saying?"
Bruce: "No, He's ignoring me completely. He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants."
coordinates.wav(93K) coordinates.mp3(93K) coordinates.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Oh, that's great, Sam, but you missed your target. I'm over here!"
Grace: "Don't get mad at the dog. It's not the dog's fault."
Bruce: "No, it's God's fault. He gave him the wrong coordinates."
martyr.wav(166K) martyr.mp3(166K) martyr.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "All right. You know? Enough. All right. Will you stop being such a martyr?"
Bruce: "I am not being a martyr. I'm a victim. God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!"
imnotokay.wav(326K) imnotokay.mp3(326K) imnotokay.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment! I'm not okay with a mediocre life!"
Grace: "So is that what you think that we have? A mediocre life?"
Bruce: "Don't make this about you."
Grace: "About me? How could I make this about me? It's abouty you. It's always about you."
Bruce: "Perfect. Perfect. I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please!"
glovesareoff.wav(232K) glovesareoff.mp3(232K) glovesareoff.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Fine! The gloves are off, pal! Come on. Let me see a little wrath. Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is you! Answer me!"
whatisthat.wav(81K) whatisthat.mp3(81K) whatisthat.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Oh! Come on! Look! What is that? What is that?"
thestairs.wav(117K) thestairs.mp3(117K) thestairs.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "How do I get to room 7?"
God (Morgan Freeman): "That'll be on the seventh floor. Stairs right over there."
Bruce: "I'd rather take the elevator."
God: "Out of order."
Bruce: "I love the stairs though. They were my second choice."
theclapper.wav(200K) theclapper.mp3(200K) theclapper.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "(Claps twoce and the light goes off.)"
Bruce: "You install the clapper?"
God: "No, but catchy jingle, isn't it? Clap on, clap off, clap on, clap off, the clapper. Just can't get it out of my head."
Bruce: "Well, good luck with that. I'm gonna go now."
yousuck.wav(218K) yousuck.mp3(218K) yousuck.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "Bruce, I'm God."
Bruce: "Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God!' Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, Gad. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!"
agoodone.wav(33K) agoodone.mp3(33K) agoodone.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Okay, that is a good one. That is a good one!"
complaining.wav(213K) complaining.mp3(213K) complaining.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it."
Bruce: "Wait. Don't come near me. Seriously, when I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal. I don't want to hurt you, but I will, out of instinct."
God: "You haven't won a fight since grade five, and that was against a girl."
Bruce: "Yeah, but she was huge. She had been held back."
God: "And the sun was in her eyes"
didnothappen.wav(61K) didnothappen.mp3(61K) didnothappen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Okay, that did not happen, and no one needs to hear about it. I'm deleting the program."
breakdown.wav(67K) breakdown.mp3(67K) breakdown.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "I'm having a breakdown, that's what it is. Normal, everyday psychotic episode caused by a tumor or brain lesion."
becareful.wav(36K) becareful.mp3(36K) becareful.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Be careful what you wish for, punk."
holyshcow.wav(31K) holyshcow.mp3(31K) holyshcow.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Holy sh... cow."
avacation.wav(105K) avacation.mp3(105K) avacation.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Where you going?"
God: "I'm taking a vacation."
Bruce: "God doesn't take vacations, does he? Do... ye?"
God: "Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages?"
itwasgood.wav(29K) itwasgood.mp3(29K) itwasgood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "And he saw that it was good!"
beautiful3.wav(46K) beautiful3.mp3(46K) beautiful3.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "B E A utiful."
yobrethren.wav(272K) yobrethren.mp3(272K) yobrethren.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Hood #1: "Oh, look. It's the hero."
Hood #2: "What's up homie?"
Bruce: "Yo, brethren, what up with thee? Blessings on your alley."
Hood #2: "Looking for another can of whoop-ass?"
Hood #3: "You didn't get enough, Mr. Hero?"
Hood #4: "He wonts some more."
Bruce: "Surely I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight. So as soon as you apologize and make a full reckoning of your transgressions, I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness."
buttmonkey.wav(46K) buttmonkey.mp3(46K) buttmonkey.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy."
mywillbedone.wav(61K) mywillbedone.mp3(61K) mywillbedone.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "I am Bruce Almighty! My will be done!"
moonthatbig.wav(75K) moonthatbig.mp3(75K) moonthatbig.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Oh, I've never seen the moon that big."
Bruce: "Yeah, we really shouldn't waste it."
belight.wav(19K) belight.mp3(19K) belight.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Let there be light."
pleasure.wav(337K) pleasure.mp3(337K) pleasure.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure."
Grace: "Oh, god! Oh!"
Bruce: "It's a funny thing about pleasure."
Bruce: "It can be quite... peasurable!"
Grace: "Whoo, whoo! Oh my god! Oh."
Bruce: "Pleasurable. Pleasurable. Pleasurable."
Grace: "Oh, god! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, good god!"
mybreasts.wav(207K) mybreasts.mp3(207K) mybreasts.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "I mean, I know, I woke up this morning, and I felt like... like my boobs were bigger. I mean, do they look bigger to you?"
Bruce: "Uh, what? Your, um, hmm? No. Uh... Bigger?"
Grace: "Oh, come on! Look at them! Please, they are definitely bigger. I mean, look. They feel huge to me."
highpitched.wav(260K) highpitched.mp3(260K) highpitched.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Evan Baxter (Steven Carell): "A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor... (his voice gets high pitched and screachy) (In the high pitched tone)When the Mayor demanded that the chief... As a responce to allegations... I'm sorry. I seam to have something stuck in my..."
News Director: "Somebody get him some water please."
Susan Ortega (Catherine Bell): "Looks like my new coanchor may need a glass of water."
dodachacha.wav(365K) dodachacha.mp3(365K) dodachacha.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Evan Baxter: "In other news, the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France."
News Director: "What did he just say? Check the prompter."
Control Room Operator: "The prompter's fine."
News Director: "Evan, read the copy, please. The copy's good. Just read it."
Evan Baxter: "The White House reception committee greeted the prime rib roast minister, and I do the cha cha like a sissy girl. I lika do da cha cha."
flatulence.wav(111K) flatulence.mp3(111K) flatulence.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Evan Baxter: "I'm sorry. We seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news... (flatulence) My apologies."
gibberish.wav(431K) gibberish.mp3(431K) gibberish.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Evan Baxter: "(Clears throat) (Gibberish) (Sniffs and clears throat) (More gibberish) Doo doo, caca, poo poo. (gibberish) Pee pee! (more gibberish and he laughs)"
discovery.wav(279K) discovery.mp3(279K) discovery.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "Really something isn't it?"
Bruce: "Is this heaven?"
God: "No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time. But I guess you can't now, being dead and all."
Bruce: "I'm dead?"
God: "Nah, I'm just messin' with you."
Bruce: "That's not funny, man. That is not funny!"
yahweh.wav(54K) yahweh.mp3(54K) yahweh.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Computer: "Yahweh. You've got prayers."
susansmouth.wav(144K) susansmouth.mp3(144K) susansmouth.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "This is so weird. I was just calling you."
Grace: "Oh, yeah. What? And you thought, like, Susan's mouth was the phone?"
Bruce: "I... She kissed me. I didn't... I'm the kissee. Grace..."
Grace: "Oh, please. Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight."
Bruce: "I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong."
freewill.wav(102K) freewill.mp3(102K) freewill.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?"
God: "Welcome to my world, son. You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know."
ornament.wav(132K) ornament.mp3(132K) ornament.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no, no. Oh, gosh, please don't put that in your mouth. We don't eat that. Oh, that's not food. Oh, go to the bathroom, please. Wash out your mouth. Wash off your hands. God, I swear that kid is gonna poop an ornament."
lottery.wav(101K) lottery.mp3(101K) lottery.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Debbie won the lottery."
Bruce: "Oh, yeah? Your kidding."
Grace: "But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17."
yousaidass.wav(169K) yousaidass.mp3(169K) yousaidass.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?"
Day Care Kid: "Hey, you said ass."
Bruce: "Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey. I didn't say hole. If I said ass..."
Grace: "Wait! Wait! Okay you know what, honey? Let's go. Let's go inside. All right, kids, everybody inside. Time to go inside."
drunkwith.wav(64K) drunkwith.mp3(64K) drunkwith.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Grace: "Have you completely lost your mind? What are you drunk?"
Bruce: "Yeah, I'm drunk. Drunk with power."
allrightythen.wav(25K) allrightythen.mp3(25K) allrightythen.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "All righty then."
miracle.wav(274K) miracle.mp3(274K) miracle.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle. A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education, that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. But what they don't realize is they have the power. You wanna see a miricle, son? Be the miracle."
megabyteme.wav(31K) megabyteme.mp3(31K) megabyteme.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "You don't like it, egabyte me."
isurrender.wav(206K) isurrender.mp3(206K) isurrender.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "You win! I'm done! Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God. I want you to decide what's right for me. I surrender to your will!"
braggin.wav(221K) braggin.mp3(221K) braggin.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "Bruce, you have the divine spark. You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world. I know. I created you."
Bruce: "Quit braggin'."
God: "See, that's... That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark."
itsgood.wav(55K) itsgood.mp3(55K) itsgood.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
God: "It's good."
Bruce: "It's good."
Both: "It's good."
blushing.wav(87K) blushing.mp3(87K) blushing.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Look at her! Isn't she beautiful? (Grace blushes) She just gave blood, and she still has enough to fill up her face."
rolling.wav(37K) rolling.mp3(37K) rolling.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Bruce: "Yes, behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks."
The following clips are from the credits. They are outtakes
loompah.wav(200K) loompah.mp3(200K) loompah.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Christopher Darga: "Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh?"
Jim Carey: "Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie. Oompah."
Christopher Darga: "Loompah."
Jim Carey: "Doompah."
Christopher Darga: "Oh geez... (laughing)"
delicious.wav(105K) delicious.mp3(105K) delicious.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jennifer Aniston: "I have a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive."
Jim Carey: "Hmm. Sounds delicious."
bloodtype.wav(315K) bloodtype.mp3(315K) bloodtype.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jim Carey: "Yeah, well, there, you know, there are storehouses all over the world. You know, all over the... with... with tons of stuff on ice and... (Jennifer puts her hand up in front of her face to show Jim what he's been doing.) Sorry."
Jennifer Aniston: "You're like this."
Jim Carey: "Okay."
Jennifer Aniston: "Sorry, go on."
Jim Carey: "Positive. IB positive. Okay, sorry."
Jennifer Aniston: "I have a rarey..."
Jim Carey: "Oh! She has a rarey. Okay."
Jennifer Aniston: "Well, they need my blood. I have a very rare blood type. I'm AB negative."
Jim Carey: "I'm IB positive."
Jennifer Aniston: "Am I AB negative or am I A..."
Jim Carey: "I don't know what you are anymore."
gettowork.wav(112K) gettowork.mp3(112K) gettowork.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jim Carey: "I'm gonna need a frickin' miracle to get to work on time. (He immitates a car engine reaving out of control.)"
inothernews.wav(270K) inothernews.mp3(270K) inothernews.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Steve Carell: "Other stories in the n-n-n-n-n-n... The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today. And in other n-n-n-n-n-n-n... It other n... It other news... (laughs in triumph)"
eyewittnessnose.wav(105K) eyewittnessnose.mp3(105K) eyewittnessnose.m4r(iPhone ringtone)
Jim Carey: "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No... Ha... Eyewitness Nose. Okay, and clear."